Patrons of the Absurd

It's about time I blogged about Boy Crazy, the amazing trading card series featuring "real" male heartthrobs for teenage girls. Where to start? My friend, a Buddhist monk, gave me a pack of Boy Crazy trading cards for my birthday last month, and I think he's made an addict out of me. The cards feature such eligible young bachelors as Jared, who says his best quality is that he "doesn't care what other people think." His worst quality? "Sometimes, he does care!" Rock on, Jared.

But wait, there's more: don't miss the Boy Crazy web site, the front page of which encourages readers to "Check out the Boy Crazy Boys." Now, I'm no marketing guru, but maybe the company ought to change its name--it seems to me that teenage girls probably aren't tearing their hair out to acquaint themselves with guys described as "Boy Crazy Boys." One more quibble: Boy Crazy claims to be "the first magazine written by boys for girls." But I think they're a little late.

In any case, visitors to the site will get to know a host of teenage hunks with eerie, android-like names such as Austin 15 and Martin 7. The award for coolest hair should definitely go to Matt #73, who recently did some exciting work in Hollywood. Please add any other Boy Crazy gems you find to the Comments below.

A recent poll suggests that Audrey Hepburn is "the most naturally beautiful woman" ever. Which raises the obvious question: who deserves to be crowned the most unnaturally beautiful woman? As always, we eagerly await your responses.

What is the book, film, or other topic or event you would most like to see transformed into a musical? The Chicago Manual of Style? The Hollywood Museum of Death? Or perhaps Escape to Witch Mountain? We're feeling inspired recently.

The Roanoke Ballet Theater recently performed an original ballet about NASCAR. A ballet official with the company explained: "By opening up our thematic interests, we open ourselves to a whole new segment of potential dance lovers." I'm not sure how many dance-loving NASCAR fans are out there, but I still think this is a fantastic idea. The photo on the ballet's web page features a helmet-clad ballerina striking a very Matrix-like pose on a racetrack. Next up: demolition derby ballet? Thanks to Dizzy-D, toujours en première position.

This is genius. Don't miss the sizing chart and pricing.

No? What about now?

I am now the proud owner of a red Swingline staper, an ultracool gift from my sister and her boyfriend, who are also fans of the film Office Space. Apparently, Swingline never even made a red stapler until the release of Office Space, when fans of the film overwhelmed the company with requests. I'm so excited! Does anyone need anything stapled?

Can't get enough of those freedom fries? Join your countrymen here at Fuck France. They might as well call it "Fuck Muslims". Nothing like a little racism to brighten up the day.

Republicanism: not just a political party, it's a way of life! You know how on JDate they ask you whether you're reform/conservative/orthodox? I wonder what they do here -- conservative/ultra-conservative/neo-con? Or by name: Powell/Rice/Rumsfeld? Or by target: Al-Qaeda/Saddam/Brown people? Christ, I could think of a million of these.

As a public service to you, I logged in to check out the goods. And I found some very lovely eligible GOP singles, like this handsome gentleman, or this other guy, or this self-hating homosexual, or how about her, her, her, or (oh God) her? Friends, it's a goldmine.

This just about sums things up.

This may be old news to some readers, but I thought it was worth a mention: Burger King recently launched a bizarre viral marketing campaign based on a web site called Subservient Chicken, where a man dressed as a large chicken will do just about anything you type into a text request box. Don't get naughty, however, or the chicken will scold you. The site is premised on the notion that at Burger King, you can "Have it Your Way." There was, I am pleased to say, a five-minute controversy in my household over whether the chicken was a live performer responding to actual requests, or just one of those prefabricated subservient chickens. I won't ruin the suspense, but I have to say, I was impressed that the chicken would respond to a request to "pee in the corner."

Old-school readers of this blog may have noticed that Google's language preferences include the option to display the Google interface in pig-latin. This is, of course, wonderful news.

UPDATE on the post below: readers unable to procure creation science T-shirts may wish to purchase such audio treats as Buddy Davis' new CD, "Creation Musical Adventures". I just came across Buddy's web site, and I can't get enough of it. In an interview conducted by Dr. Donald James Batten, a self-described Australian Creationist Agricultural Scientist, Buddy is described as someone who "almost had a country music career." Hmmm. Sounds like there might be a good country music song in that sad story. You can download samples of Buddy's creationist songs for children here. My favorites are the happily dogmatic "That Didn't Happen by Chance," and the nearly incomprehensible "It's Designed to Do."

Someone at the New York Times must have had fun reporting on a new creationist dinosaur theme park in Pensacola, Florida. The park, called Dinosaur Adventure Land, promises to entertain kids with "mind-blowing lessons" about dinosaurs, without that pesky evolution stuff. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, we here at Patrons of the Absurd did a little investigative reporting of our own. The theme park's web site offers visitors the opportunity to "Buy T-Shirts," which you know I was excited about. But strangely, the T-shirt link only brings you to the mysteriously named "Dr. Dino" creation science evangelism web site, which as far as I can tell, offers only one T-shirt. It does look pretty good, though. The image is a bit fuzzy and I'm having trouble with the link, but apparently, the T-shirt reads: "Have you been Brainwashed by you [sic] public school science textbook? God created the earth, no matter what you were taught!" Now I'm in a pickle: I strongly desire this T-shirt, but I don't want to support the creation science evangelical cause. Mine is an exquisite agony. Thanks to Jack Balkin for the pointer.

For all those hard-core fans of the Restaurant Formerly Known as Kentucky Fried Chicken (you know who you are--go grab another bunch of those flimsy napkins and wipe your greasy hands off before touching the computer keyboard), Slate has a fascinating historical analysis of the protean word "KFC." I say "word" because as you finger-lickin' experts know, "KFC" is no longer an initialism, but a monogram that stands for nothing. The company ditched the words "Kentucky Fried Chicken" back in 1991, fearing that the word "fried" was a no-no in that health-conscious age. Woody Allen might consider this short-sighted. I say "protean" because it looks like the Company Soon To Have Been Formerly Known as KFC may be at it again, and seems to be using subliminal messages to achieve its nefarious ends, no doubt in a nod to the 2000 Bush Campaign. So, all monogram muckrackers and corporate cryptographers, grab your decoder rings, and check this out.